It has been painful to watch the missteps of the Obama administration in the wake of the Christmas Day terrorist attempt to blow up a plane and the Transportation Safety Authority (TSA’s) reaching new heights of absurdity with the rules it imposed immediately after the failed attack. Rather than express anger at how our government is dealing with this attack, a little satire is in order. Let’s see where present trends could take us if they are taken to the extreme:
April 1, 2012
Today, the TSA announced that effective immediately civilian airline passengers will need to be held in new TSA waiting rooms without receiving liquids for six hours prior to departure. They will also receive a laxative at the beginning of their stay in the TSA waiting room.
The new rules are imposed in reaction to two passengers who tried to blow up flights coming to the US from Europe on March 28 and March 30. In one case, a 20-year-old passenger from Sudan tried to blow up a plane with explosives he had ingested prior to the flight. In a second case, a South Asian (i.e. Pakistani) passenger from London incinerated himself after drinking liquids that contained high concentrations of a new powerful explosive prior to boarding a flight.
“These are acts of lone individuals with no affiliation to Al-Qaeda or any other known organizations” declared Secretary of Homeland Security John Kerry who was appointed by President Obama in 2010 after his predecessor Janet Napolitano was forced out over handling of the investigation into the failed “underwear bomber” Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab who tried to blow up a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit on December 25, 2009.
The Christmas Day 2009 attack resulted in the TSA requirement implemented in 2010 that airline passengers travel without wearing underwear. Other recent restrictions imposed by the TSA to protect passengers include painting all windows black to make it impossible for passengers to see where they are, prohibitions on pilots to tell passenger any information on their location (i.e. no more “on the right you can see the Grand Canyon”), the elimination of pillows and blankets from airplanes and the elimination of all carry-on luggage.
These restrictions are added to previous measures requiring passengers to take off shoes during screening (today, of course, we are requiring all civilian airline passengers to travel barefoot) and prohibiting passengers from bringing liquids on board.
Secretary Kerry persisted in calling the recent attack “isolated incidents” despite Al-Qaeda claiming credit for the “full bladder” bomber and the warnings that a senior Sudanese banker gave to the American embassy stating that his son “may have been radicalized” and has traveled to Yemen to train in terrorist camps.
“The TSA is prohibited from profiling passengers based on their national origin, gender, age or religion,” said Secretary Kerry to address fears that young Muslim men from Middle Eastern countries or other regions could face extra scrutiny due to similarities to perpetrators of recent attempts to bring down airplanes.
After closing the terrorist holding facility in Guantanamo Bay in 2011, all suspected “terrorists” are held in American prisons pending criminal trials. Most of them are held with a few remaining Guantanamo detainees in a prison outside Chicago. If the evidence against these suspects is not sufficient for a conviction, the suspects are released on a special visa in the United States. “It would be inhumane to deport the suspects to their countries of origin since they may be subjected to treatment in their home countries inconsistent with American standards.” said Secretary Kerry.
Airlines stocks dropped to new record lows in reaction to the new TSA waiting rooms and industry analysts predict bankruptcy for the three remaining private US airlines due to the continued steep drop in airline travel. The Obama administration has announced its intention to pass legislation to save these airlines by the federal government taking ownership stakes. The program is known as ARP (Airline Rescue Program). In addition, President Obama today announced the “Fly with Uncle Sam” stimulus program that will give Americans a free airline ticket paid for with US tax dollars for every ticket they buy.
In breaking news, Al-Wahiri a new spokesman for Al-Qaeda, has announced that it will limit its attacks if the United States agrees to the immediate withdrawal of all American troops from Iraq, Afghanistan and all other basis in the Middle East and if the US recognizes an expanded Palestinian state taking over one third of Israel. Al-Wahiri did not provide any specifics on how Al-Qaeda will restrain its attacks.
White Hose Press Secretary Dilbert (who succeeded Robert Gibbs in 2011) has said that the Obama administration is studying the proposal.